Is There Any Dolphins Still Alive?

Listen, Panini's my best friend and OG is my favorite and Boni is the Queen Goddess, but Broosevelt is my guy. I don't necessarily espouse the philosophy of bros before hoes, but only Broosevelt and I sit for hours in front of an NBA playoff game, give each other hi-five's when we fart, and cross the streams when we pee. We have a special relationship, he's a special guy, and I desperately want you to understand who he is. 

Broosevelt is a 9-year-old boy with fair skin and a blond head of hair. He weighed in at exactly 4 pounds when he was born and he is still short and weak. He just started being able to do push-ups in the last few months and his core strength is zero. He's got heart though. Every time I beat him in 1-on-1, he's like, "Another one!" Eventually he cries, but he always says it was worth it.

Broosevelt plays piano, enjoys math, loves geography, and is obsessed with statistics, names, numbers, addresses, and capitals.

Broosevelt is clearly like his father in many ways, but he is also very much unlike me: He is sensitive, anxious, and kind. He is nice to the boys and the girls, he hugs his teammates when they strike out, and he sometimes thinks about death before falling asleep.

A year or so ago, Broosevelt started asking questions. A lot of them. I don't remember when and I sure as hell don't remember why, but on some random occasion, Broosevelt looked up from his cream cheese and jelly sandwich and, with total sincerity, asked, "Is there any dolphins still alive?"

That question, in addition to countless other gems, led the Boss and me to start keeping a list of some of the insane shit he has asked. We are not the list-keeping type, but I believe that these questions will help reveal to you, my wonderful readers, exactly who Broosevelt is.

Saul freely acknowledges that he has, at times, misled, embellished, obfuscated, and perhaps even outright lied. Though some of the questions and conversations detailed in this post may seem truly unbelievable, they are all 100% accurate and real. Enjoy.

Broosevelt is curious. He has asked, "How do traffic lights work," "If you had a finger between your thumb and your pointer finger, what would you call it?," and "Can people eat squirrels? Are they yummy?"

Sometimes though, he's more clueless than curious. After two gout-inducing buffet breakfasts, Broosevelt asked, "Is bacon a vegetable?"

Rather than laugh in his face, I gave him three choices:

A. Bacon, like sausage, comes from pigs

B. Bacon, like lettuce, comes from plants

C. Bacon, likes corn, comes from the earth

He guessed C.

We make fun of Broosevelt for his cluelessness. Sometimes he gets upset. Sometimes he laughs it off. Sometimes he doesn't even realize he's being made fun of. On a random Monday night during a totally normal week of school, Broosevelt asked, "Is there school tomorrow?"

I said, "Yeah buddy, there's school tomorrow," and then his sisters and I proceeded to tease him for asking if there was school tomorrow because of course there was school tomorrow. The laughter died down and a few seconds later, Broosevelt asked, "So, is there school tomorrow?"

Sometimes Broosevelt is funny by accident. One night I was putting him to bed and he kept peppering me with questions. Finally I said, "Broosevelt, it's official. I can't talk to you anymore. Goodnight." And he said, "Oh, it's official, like the Bill of Rights?"

Sometimes Broosevelt is funny on purpose. A few weeks ago, I came home from work and asked him how his day was. He said, "Well, I tried to make a Minecraft cowboy but I made his nuts too big so it didn’t work out."

Broosevelt, understandably, thinks I know everything. He has asked, "Who is the best player on Paris Saint-Germain?" and "Who is the best WWE wrestler of all time?"

And recently he asked, "When was James Madison born?"

I responded, "I'm not sure. Some time around 1740?"

"No, I mean his birthday."

Broosevelt can be philosophical. He has asked, "Why is it not possible to travel through time?" and "I feel like when you’re living inside earth, it’s hard to believe that earth is round. Don’t you think?"

But he's also pragmatic (read: crafty Jew who understands the value of a dollar). Two days after Christmas last year, he said, "At what age will I need to buy people Christmas presents? Can it be after my Bar Mitzvah? Because I'll have more money then."

Broosevelt is honest and direct. As he was getting his ass kicked in a game of UNO, he groaned, "Ughhhh, I don't like people!" 

But sometimes he is confused and unclear. Broosevelt and I were watching March Madness, and Princeton was up by 15 on #7 seed Missouri after already having knocked out #2 seed Arizona in the first round.

Broosevelt exclaimed, "Man, Princeton is literally on fire!"

I said, "Nope, they're not."

A few minutes later when Princeton was up 20, he said, "Ok, now they're literally on fire!"

"Nope, they're still not."

"Yes, they are!"

"Broosevelt, if they were literally on fire, they'd actually be on fire."

And then Broosevelt was silent.

Sometimes Broosevelt just wants answers. One day he asked me, "Are aliens real?"

I said, "What do you think?"

"I think they're not."

"Ok."

"So are they?"

But sometimes Broosevelt is very far away, thinking his thoughts, unaware of the world around him. This past April, we were in California for spring break. In the middle of a long, spectacular drive along the cliffs of the Pacific Coast Highway, Broosevelt said to the Boss and me, "Do you use Yelp?"

Sometimes it's hard to tell if Broosevelt doesn't know how to articulate his question or if he's just downright stupid. In February, he asked, "How are some countries better than ours?"

And then in May, while watching an NBA playoff game, he turned to me and asked, "Do most NBA players play with shoes on?

Sometimes Broosevelt is perfectly articulate and perfectly stupid. For his wax museum project at school, Broosevelt learned everything he could about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Though Broosevelt is fully aware that Abdul-Jabbar is currently over 70 years old, this past February, he asked, "Will Kareem start playing again since LeBron broke his record?"

Broosevelt is young and innocent. In a tv commercial, a man and and a woman started passionately kissing and then they got into bed with almost no clothes on and then the commercial showed a condom and Broosevelt said, "I don't think anyone's gonna buy that!"

But Broosevelt also understands the way the world works. He asked, "How is safti (Israeli grandmother) such a good cook? Does it come naturally?" 

And he likes to use a line he stole from his friend: "Martin Luther King wouldn’t have done all that if he were white."

Sometimes Broosevelt is smart when he's dumb. He asked, "Are all flags a rectangle?" and I judged him for his dumbness until I googled it and learned that Nepal has the world's only non-rectangular flag.

Sometimes Broosevelt is dumb when he's smart. A few months ago, he asked, "How long has the war in Ukraine been going on?"

I said, "About a year, I think."

"So like, since last January?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Do they use swords?"

From the moment the following question was asked through the time of writing, we still do not understand Broosevelt's intent. All we know is that we were an hour into Footloose, set in the early 80s in small town America, and as Kevin Bacon and the preacher were engaged in a tense conversation, Broosevelt asked, "Is this World War II?