Crisis at the Urinals (Part II)

The following is Part 2 of a 2-part series on the previously discussed urinal crisis.

Having covered the ridiculous way in which some boys pee, I would like to describe a moment to you in which I was relaxedly urinating and then, within a split second, felt panic and fear.

Draining the main vein is a pleasant experience and I was enjoying it thoroughly when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the young man next to me finish his pee, step back from the urinal, and motherfucking karate kick the urinal handle. The kid was around my height and the handle is well over 4 feet high, so flushing with his foot was a somewhat impressive athletic feat.

I was shocked. Dismayed. Utterly aghast. I tried to delete the experience from my mind, bury it deep down in my emotional wasteland with other forgotten memories including, but not limited to, scalding new-born Panini with boiling hot water, nearly breaking OG’s finger by furiously spinning her on a ride at the playground, and desperately trying to pause Game of Thrones during a gratuitous lesbian sex scene as my sweet innocent beautiful blond baby boy Broosevelt walked in the room last night.

But I couldn't bury having witnessed the foot-flushing because I saw it happen again. And again. And again.

Clearly this was a trend, not an anomaly, so I decided to process it with a group of people whom I trust dearly: my students. I shared every detail of my bathroom experience and once they had gotten over the horrible awkwardness of hearing a story about their teaching urinating, I said, "Look, this is a safe space and I promise I won't judge anyone in this room. I just need to know how many of you flush with your feet."

More than half of the hands in the room went in the air. 

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, so we talked about it. Girls were definitely more likely to foot-flush, but boys did it too. I asked them why, and they mentioned things like germs, general grossness of going to the bathroom at school, and, well, that's just how they do it.

I judged the shit out of them and went home to talk to my wife and kids about it.

Sure enough, the Boss foot-flushes too. "But only in public places," she said.

"So let me get this straight," I said. "If all you do is open a stall, sit on a toilet, wipe your pee, and close the stall, you still wash your hands, right?"

"I guess so."

"And the sink is only a few steps away, right?"

"Yeah."

"So then you acknowledge that flushing with your feet is completely fear-based and irrational, right?"

"You're the best husband ever. I love you."

Seriously though, this makes no sense. When you go to the bathroom, you're already theoretically covered in germs and therefore immediately wash your hands, so what difference does it make if you touch the handle before doing so?

Not only is this act irrational, it's also incredibly self-centered. People who foot-flush know perfectly well that not everyone else foot-flushes, yet they willfully place their piss- and shit-stained shoe soles where other people place their hands.

Let me rephrase everything I am saying: If you flush with your feet, you are an awful person. Though I suppose you can't control your anxiety, you can most certainly control your nonsensical, narcissistic behavior and I hate you very much. While some of us continue to maintain our sanity by pushing the toilet handle with our hands, we are currently in the midst of a fear-based, foot-flushing pandemic.

As established in Part 1 of this series, anxiety is at the root of diagonal and downward pissing. Clearly, it is also at the root of foot-flushing. So let's zoom out and connect the fear and anxiety behind our toilet-flushing crisis to the real issue here: death.

Recently, the Boss has been sharing the following data with everyone she can: While the rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide have increased, the rates of binge-drinking, teen pregnancy, and drunk-driving have decreased. In other words, kids aren't at parties getting shit-faced and making bad decisions; they're in their rooms by themselves on their phones feeling scared and sad.

So here's a terribly morbid question (consider yourself warned): Would you rather your 16-year-old son struggle with anxiety, not be able to pee in public, spend all his time alone in his room on his phone, experience deep depression, and kill himself, or would you prefer that boy live a happy, carefree lifestyle, party his balls off with his friends, deface property by pissing publicly on a building, and die in a drunk-driving accident after an absolute rager on a Saturday night? Neither is good, but if I had to choose, I'd take the latter.

Daniel-san using the crane technique to beat Johnny was heroic. You using it to flush the toilet is shameful.

Yet there is hope. Fear and anxiety need not rule our lives. We can still choose to flush the right way. We can be better. 

As Mr. Miyagi said, "Is okay to lose to opponent. Must not lose to fear."