Crisis at the Urinals (Part I)

The following is Part 1 of a 2-part series on the current urinal crisis ravaging our great nation.

Trigger warning: This post frequently uses words such as "penis" and "urinate,” in addition to other, more colloquial forms of these words. If you are sensitive to such diction (diction, get it?), I advise you to stop reading now.

One of my earliest childhood memories circa 1982 is walking into the men's bathroom at the Philadelphia Eagles game. The line at each urinal was long and I stood awkwardly waiting for my turn. It wasn't weird that I was an unaccompanied 6-year-old in a room full of drunk men with their faces painted green. What was weird is that every guy at the urinal was looking at up the ceiling. At first I thought, "Why is everyone looking up? Is there something cool up there? I can't see it!" But then at some point (maybe then, maybe years later), I realized what was happening: By looking up at the ceiling, Man A was giving Man B a non-verbal cue to indicate that Man A was not, in fact, looking at Man B's penis. It was Man A's way of saying, "I am not a pervert. This is a safe space. You may urinate freely."

Something about this cultural practice rubs me the wrong way, but I'd prefer it to the current situation amongst teenage boys, the cohort with which I am most familiar. Yes, I know it sounds weird that I am intimately familiar with the urinal practices of teenage boys, but I work with young people, drink a lot of water, and pee a lot, so this is, like, totally normal.

There are two very strange things these young men do. The first can be described as "diagonal pissing."

Let me paint a picture: Jacob and Nate have to pee and there are only two urinals. Jacob takes the urinal on the left but stands on the right side of that urinal at a 45 degree angle so his back is facing Nate. He then pees diagonally rather than using the traditional straight-ahead method.

In the meantime, Nate is standing on the left side of the right urinal doing the same thing. While the boys now have their backs turned to one another, their asses, ironically, are practically touching.

What's happening in this scene? Well, both young men are making absolute sure that no one can see their junk. They've turned away from any possible peeper and attempted to create complete privacy in an otherwise public space. 

Right now you're probably thinking, "But what if there are three urinals? The boy using the middle urinal can't turn his back in both directions." Excellent question. Thank you for asking.

You know what these boys do when there are three urinals? They wait. They wait for the urinal on the left or the right to become available rather than taking the open urinal in the middle. I've witnessed such absurdity many times. I initially assumed something was wrong with the middle urinal, but then I realized what was happening, jumped the line, walked right up to the middle urinal, and peed straight ahead.

Hypotenuse pissing is not the strangest part of this crisis, however. 

Back in 1982 at the Eagles game, boys, men, and Boyz II Men (Philly joke, get it?) stood a few inches from the urinal, removed their penis from their pantalones, pointed it forward, and peed. Nowadays, boys walk all the way up to the urinal so they are basically straddling it rather than standing in front of it. They then pee downward.

What's happening in this scene? Well, once again, rather than potentially allowing someone to peep their private parts, these boys have left no space between themselves and the urinal, making it impossible for anyone to see anything. And, yes, there are boys who combine the diagonal pissing with the downward pissing.

So what's really happening in these scenes? I'll tell you exactly what's happening. These boys are so afraid, so private, so insecure that they don't know how to piss in public. Back in the day, we played grab-ass in the locker room, we showered together at camp, and we ran naked through the woods. We weren't afraid of our own bodies, we weren't afraid of each other's bodies, and, to be blunt, we knew what each other's dicks looked like.

Nowadays, there's no grab-ass, no locker room, no shower, and no woods. These boys are in their rooms and on their phones, and when practice is done, they throw on their sweats and they're out the door. No one is ever naked around anyone and that's why they're so damn scared to take a leak. 

Years ago, I was coaching 9th grade boys' basketball and we often practiced in the mornings before school started. I told the kids to bring a towel and soap to shower after practice and one of the kids said to his teammates, "You'll probably want to bring a bathing suit as well." 

I thought, "What in the fuck would you need a bathing suit for? You're not jumping in the pool after practice."

I said, "Thank you for being so thoughtful and for validating the various feelings your teammates may be experiencing at this moment."

Back in the day, by looking up at the ceiling, men conveyed to one another, "I'm not looking." Nowadays, by hiding in the urinals, boys convey to one another, "Stop looking!" Back in the day, there was a fear that one could be perceived as a pervert. Nowadays, there is a fear that everyone around you is a pervert. This is not progress; this is a crisis, and I am certain this generation is in deep trouble, drowning in their own piss-stained anxiety.

Stay tuned for Part II early next week.