Dear Mr. President,
You may know my identical twin, Saul, from whom I was separated at birth. My name is Paul and I am not like my radical leftist brother. He lives in that wasteland known as Chicago with his psycho-babble wife and his Charmin-soft children. I live in the Free State of Florida with my tradwife, Molly, our four heterosexual children, and our dog, Charlie Kirk.
Saul has said some crazy things about you, Mr. President, including but not limited to wishing you were dead. But he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, sir. Saul is a 1%er who has never done a hard day’s work in his life. I get my hands dirty every day, digging ditches, cleaning toilets, and fondling Molly. Saul has a Master’s degree in absolutely nothing. I have a G.E.D. and a tool belt. Saul is a bald fem-bot who wears $120 designer Nikes. I have a thick goatee and steel-toed Timberlands. Saul is a secular Jewish conspirator. I am a God-fearing Christian patriot.
Saul sits in his ivory tower, pontificating on the merits of political violence. In fact, he and I were FaceTiming the other day, and he suggested that if someone killed you, this country would be better off. I, however, am here to tell you, sir, that I do not think you should be assassinated because you have done great things for the United States of America, you are a man of integrity, and you have a very large penis.
I’m not sure where to begin with all the great things you’ve done for this country, Mr. President, but I’ll start with the economy. The DOW Jones was at 43,487 when you took office and today it’s at nearly 50,000. I don’t own any stocks myself, Mr. President, but I sure like seeing the number on that ticker get bigger. Sometimes Molly and I make an over-under bet on where the stock market is gonna close. If it’s under, she gets to slap me around a little but if it’s over, I get to take her outside to the toolshed. I saw that some of those fake news people were saying that the tariffs are keeping prices high but honestly Molly does most of the shopping, a six-pack of Miller Lite is still $5.99, and I can’t wait for those increased estate tax exemptions to help out us blue-collar workers.
Mr. President, I also love how you’ve sued so many fake news networks for trying to get that black Indian lady to be president. While Fox News exposes harsh truths such as the rigging of Dominion’s voting machines to steal the 2020 election, CBS deceptively edits its interviews, absurdly claiming it needed to cut hours of footage down to 60 minutes for their show 60 Minutes. But my favorite thing you’ve done, sir, is to make those Bolshevik colleges pay up for the liberal propaganda they’ve disseminated and the anti-semitism they’ve allowed on campus. Mr. Kirk, may he rest in peace, had every right to publicly express his concerns about unqualified black pilots but no one should ever criticize our white, Judeo-Christian saviors of democracy in Israel. (Personally, I’m trying to keep the Jew’s hand out of my own pocket but I do think those money-grubbing Jesus-killers should feel safe at school.) Oh wait, Mr. President, there’s one more amazing thing you’ve done for this country: I just love that you changed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I would’ve preferred you named it Gulf of ‘Murica but we’ll take what we can get, especially if it’s from those border-jumping rapists.
It’s not just all the things you’ve done for the country, Mr. President. It’s the type of man you are. I remember way back in 2017 you sat down for an interview with that Afro-American gentleman Lester Holt who asked you if you fired James Comey because he was investigating you. You looked Holt straight in his Heart of Darkness eyes and said, yep, sure did! Men with integrity tell the truth, Mr. President, and you sure told him. The Washington Post (more fake news) says you made over 30,000 false or misleading claims during your first term but Sleepy Joe falsely claimed he used to drive an 18-wheeler, so who’s the real liar?
And, of course, Mr. President, there was the dignified way in which you responded to the election getting stolen right from under you. My cousins and I went in full camo gear to that hell hole Washington D.C. to stop the steal and you did everything you could to keep things peaceful and calm, saying things like, “Fight like hell.” Some of my brethren were arrested but then you got them that Get Out of Jail Free card with that January 6 pardon you issued. You know who should be in jail, Mr. President? Those liberal conspirators who created those AI videos of those spineless congressmen barricading themselves in their office. I mean, I certainly don’t promote violence of any kind, but I wouldn’t be opposed to that California lesbian Nancy Pelosi gettin’ her wrinkled face kicked in. We were just defending democracy on January 6th and you were right there with us, Mr. President! Saul says there’s no evidence that the election was stolen but he clearly doesn’t understand that those bastards who stole the election destroyed all the evidence!
By the way, sir, those 34 felonies you were convicted of are downright silly. Hiding salacious information, falsifying business records, and all those other fancy words are just noise to me because I know that someone who promised to drain the swamp would never try to make himself rich or powerful by screwing over the working man. Hunter Biden lied on a federal form about his drug use. Hilary used a personal email account to handle classified information. But sure, Mr. President, you’re the criminal. The liberal media is so jealous of you, sir, that they’ve even accused you of using your position as president to make billions from crypto. That’s just smart investing if you ask me, kind of like when I invested in my neighbor Wilbur’s small business, which makes truckloads of money selling white bed sheets with three holes.
Finally, Mr. President, it’s obvious to everyone that you have a very large penis. Only a man with a very large penis can grab women by the pussy and get away with it. Only a man with a very large penis can humiliate the Ukrainian presidant on live TV in front of hundreds of millions of people. Only a man with a very large penis can cover the White House in gold trim. Only a man with a very large penis can make fun of a retarded reporter for being retarded. I heard Saul’s cock-blocking psychologist wife saying that all these things were you just compensating for having a small penis but you are clearly well endowed, sir. You know it, I know it, Melania knows it, and, between you and me, I’ll bet some of those Epstein girls know it too, amirite?
Mr. President, my G.E.D. teacher once told me to finish my writing where I started, so here goes: Someone who has done such great things for our country, someone who has so much integrity, and someone with such an outstanding penis should most definitely not, I repeat not, be assassinated. I know that that Green Party Antifa madman Thomas Crooks felt otherwise but he didn’t realize you’re invincible.
Political violence is never the answer, Mr. President, even for those woke commies who are crazy enough to think you’re destroying our country. Lincoln violated the Constitution by freeing the slaves, but he shouldn’t’ve been killed. Kennedy made Castro look like a hero, but he shouldn’t’ve been killed. MLK Jr. cheated on his wife, but he shouldn’t’ve been killed. Malcolm X said white people are the devil, but he shouldn’t’ve been killed. You’re a million times better than all those fools, Mr. President, so I can’t even begin to understand why anyone, even my long lost brother Saul, would want you dead.
Stay strong, Mr. President, and God bless America!
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