Wednesday, November 6th

I’m sure you fondly remember the scene in Revenge of the Nerds when Booger, Takashi, Poindexter, and other nerds stage a panty raid on the Delta Pi sorority. Lewis and Gilbert are running down the hall with black hoodies and black ski caps when Lewis yells, “This is gonna be a great year! Ha ha ha!!!”

That’s how I feel about Wednesday, November 6th. Whoever wins on the 5th, the day after is gonna be a fucking shitshow.

And I can’t wait.

If Trump wins, my dear old mother will drive 100 miles north to Wyoming, buy a gun in about four seconds, and break the record for oldest mass shooter in American history. If Kamala wins, my mom will immediately start criticizing her every move because everyone, and I mean everyone, over the age of 60 can’t fully accept a half black, half Indian female running the country. Even the most steadfast of elderly Liberals feel more comfortable with a president who has light skin, a grey head of hair, and a pair of testicles.

If Trump wins, my all-talk, no-action brother Darryl will once again talk about moving to Canada. If Kamala wins, he’ll continue prescribing wildly overpriced obesity medicine to his patients while naively advocating for single-payer health care.

If Trump wins, my libtard other brother Darryl will blame the not-left-enough Democrats for their complacency and corruption. If Kamala wins, he’ll blame the not-left-enough Democrats for their complacency and corruption.

If Trump wins, the Boss will cry and repeat statements such as “I just can’t believe it.” If Kamala wins, she’ll be ecstatic for a couple days until she accidentally rubs up against my beautiful body in the middle of the night and says, “I just can’t believe it.”

If Trump wins, Panini (16) will ask a few questions, express concern, and snap her friends. If Kamala wins, she’ll snap her friends.

If Trump wins, OG (13), currently in the throes of puberty and sharing one brain with a gaggle of 13-year-old girls, will say, “We think this is terrible. 😢” If Kamala wins, she’ll say, “We’re very happy. 😊”

If Trump wins, Broosevelt (10) will say, “Trump won? Bummer.” If Kamala wins, he’ll say, “Is Kamala black?”

If Trump wins, Boni (10), our little empath, will cry because she senses that other people are sad. If Kamala wins, she’ll give me a celebratory hug and then spend 20 minutes in the bathroom reading The Unwanteds and pooping out all the mini-Snickers she’s eaten since Halloween.

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If Trump wins, my students will take a mental health day, demand their feelings be validated, and beg for their work to be excused. If Kamala wins, they’ll feel empowered and cancel me for using the phrase “libtard.”

If Trump wins, my barely left-of-center, mostly white, middle-aged friends will publicly lament the direction our country has gone and privately high-five each other for lower taxes. If Kamala wins, they’ll feel relieved but not in the least bit excited.

If Trump wins, my progressive Zionist (not an oxymoron) brethren will be absolutely disgusted by his victory but sleep well at night knowing Israel will get all the shekels it wants. If Kamala wins, they’ll be happy their candidate won but wake up in a cold sweat due to fear that she will sell out Israel to Rashida Tlaib & Co.

If Trump wins, the woke left will shit its pants. If Kamala wins, they will demand radical action on climate change, reparations for descendants of slavery, and amnesty for undocumented migrants. None of their demands will be met. Four years from now, they will be in the exact same spot they are now: mostly well intentioned, mildly ignorant, and completely vilified.

If Trump wins, the alt right will continue to deny climate change, mock those who call for reparations, and form militias to deport illegal aliens when Trump quickly proves he can’t do it himself. If Kamala wins, the alt right will shit its pants. Four years from now, they will be in the exact same spot they are now: poorly intentioned, generally ignorant, and completely vilified.

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If Trump wins, MSNBC will sow fear and loathing of the democratically elected dictatorial narcissist who has the codes to the nukes. If Kamala wins, it will wholeheartedly congratulate the first female president in the history of our nation and dangerously turn a blind eye to the 80 million Americans who voted for Trump in 2020 and will do so again tomorrow.

If Trump wins, Fox News will profusely apologize for ever having doubted him. If Kamala wins, it will not particularly subtly question the validity of the election.

If Trump wins, the Supreme Court will continue to take away women’s rights, foment corporate power and greed, and undermine any/all criminal prosecutions of the Donald. If Kamala wins, it will continue to take away women’s rights, foment corporate power and greed, and undermine any/all criminal prosecutions of the Donald.

If Trump wins, Congress will remain deeply polarized and combative. If Kamala wins, it will remain deeply polarized and combative.

If Trump wins, Biden will die of regret. If Kamala wins, Biden will die of dementia.

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If Trump wins, he will fire everyone in the Department of Justice as well those in the Department of You Name It who do not demonstrate unwavering loyalty. He will continue to lie, cheat, and grab pussies. If Kamala wins, he will encourage another panty raid on the U.S. Capitol except this time his supporters will come to win.

If Trump wins, Kamala will concede defeat and express concern. If Kamala wins, she will enthusiastically thank her supporters for their dedication and do everything in her power to appease the corporations, I mean the citizens, that elected her.

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Look, men may prefer a male president and white people may prefer a white candidate, but Kamala is gonna win tomorrow, and she’s gonna win big. You can say you heard it here first.

But her victory won’t mean shit when it comes to dealing with the real problems plaguing our nation. The left and the right are as far away from each other as they’ve ever been, holed up in their respective social media silos and perusing entirely different “facts.” Both groups feel they’re being left behind and both have valid points: Black Americans (Kamala supporters) continue to fight an uphill battle against a lack of generational wealth and non-college-educated White Americans (Trump supporters) are less prosperous by nearly every measure than the previous generation. Add to this division the fact that Citizens United continues to grab our country by the pussy and we have a recipe for indifference, resentment, and violence.

Kamala will be our next president but if we keep running around like a bunch of horny nerds with Delta Pi panties on our head, you can forget about January 6th because a real reckoning is coming.