There’s this kid’s book called I Just Forgot in which this porcupine-looking little critter keeps forgetting to do the most basic shit: bring his lunchbox to school, turn off the water in the bath, take off his wet shoes when he comes in the house, etc. Basically, he’s a stupid fucking idiot.
And so am I.
Cuz when I made my terribly inaccurate prediction two days ago, I forgot something as well: For most people, when it’s time to vote, one thing matters more than anything else.
If I’m Latino, I’m pissed about these illegal immigrants because I came here the right way, god damnit, and fuck these Venezuelans who don’t respect the law. The border is out of control, and Biden and Kamala haven’t done anything about it. Sure, Trump says some racist shit which I don’t love but I believe him when he says he’s gonna shut down the border and stop these illegals from coming. Fairness matters. I came here fair and square, I worked my ass off to succeed, and I’ll be damned if these Guatemalan fucks are gonna cheat the system.
If I'm Arab American, I’m pissed about Gaza. I know you’ll tell me that Trump would be even worse for Palestinians and, yeah, I don’t love his anti-Arab rhetoric, but hypotheticals and words don’t kill people. Weapons do. Biden and Kamala keep selling arms to Israel and Israel has killed nearly 40,000 people in Gaza. My people matter, and the Democrats are killing my Arab brethren, so fuck them.
If I’m a white Christian living on a farm in Iowa, I’m pissed about these homosexuals who talk about critical race theory and gender identity. Yes, black lives do matter, but the lives of my brother who’s a state trooper and my buddy who’s a fireman and my grandfather who died in Vietnam matter more. You can be gay inside your house, but don’t teach about it in schools. And don’t tell me a boy can be a girl. Boys are boys. Identity matters, and this half-black, half-Indian woman who seems friendly with the “woke” left threatens a lot of what I know and believe. Yes, Trump says and does some very anti-Christian things but I pray for him and I believe he will do his very best to keep this country on the straight and narrow.
______________
Okay, so everyone’s ultimately a single-issue voter: The Latino’s issue is fairness, the Arab American’s issue is family, and the Christian’s issue is identity. But let’s all be really honest about the single thing that matters most to nearly everyone: money.
I’d like to amend what I wrote above: For most people, when it’s time to vote, one thing matters more than anything else, and that one thing is usually money.
I forgot that. It’s embarrassing and ridiculous and shameful but when I predicted Kamala would win, I forgot that most people care more about their next pay-check than they do about pussy-grabbing. I thought Kamala was gonna win because I thought people cared about threats to democracy and women’s rights and corruption and racism and misogyny, and yeah people do care about those things, but people care more about how much their eggs cost.
Why did I forget? Because I’m a rich, out-of-touch asshole who is annoyed by his $700 monthly family gym membership but keeps paying it. I’m annoyed by the fact that Panini’s basketball uniform cost $300 but I paid for it and went on with my day. I’m annoyed that OG wasted $30 by buying the wrong-sized screen protector but I never checked to see if she returned it and didn’t think twice about her spending another $30 to get the right size. I’m annoyed that a gallon of organic milk (yes, of course, we buy organic milk) costs $9 but I still buy it. Basically, I am immune from inflation and I forgot that most Americans think about it every single day.
I figured women wouldn’t vote for Trump because he’s responsible for overturning Roe v. Wade. But I forgot that if I were a working-class waitress in Missouri, I wouldn’t really be thinking about my inability to have an abortion because that’s theoretical and abstract, and I have zero plans on getting pregnant. What I’m thinking about right fucking now is how big a tip this customer is gonna give me and whether or not I can pay for my 3-year-old’s day care. Biden and Kamala shuttered this restaurant, my only source of income, for years, so I’m voting for Trump.
I figured older people wouldn’t vote for Trump because they don’t want their grandchildren growing up in an ugly world that lacks civility and justice. But I forgot that if I were a 75-year-old retiree, I would want the inheritance tax to be zero and I would want the capital gains tax to be zero and I would want a tax break for my son’s small business. January 6th was terrible but I can’t afford a god damn gallon of regular milk with all this inflation, so I’m voting for Trump.
I figured your average Joe working-class American who lives in a suburb of Reno wouldn’t vote for Trump because he wants the West to stay wild. But I forgot that if I were trying to make ends meet by renting jet skis on Lake Tahoe or buying some stock in a mining company exploring the Sierra Nevada, then I’m okay with Trump rolling back regulations so we can do our thing out here. Yeah, I know it’s probably not the best for the environment and, no, I don’t fully trust Trump or like all the things he does, but I can’t pay for the treatment for my mom’s skin cancer from the high desert sun, I can’t afford to buy a god damn house because mortgage rates have been at 7% for years, and I sure as shit can’t afford $300 for my kid’s basketball uniform. So screw Biden and Kamala, screw all these regulations, and screw big government. I’m voting for Trump.
______________
One of the reasons Bill Clinton was elected in 1992 is because his campaign’s mantra was, “It’s the economy, stupid.” They knew that people care about their own livelihoods more than anything else, and they successfully reminded the American people of that fact each and every day. Whether or not you believe the economy has actually been rough these past four years and whether or not you think it’s the current administration’s fault, this is the perception of millions of Americans. It’s important to dig into why this perception exists and what to do about it, but we’ll shelve that discussion for now because I know we all have news updates to read, meals to make, and, most importantly, bills to pay.
Reader of Saul: My apologies for forgetting something so important and making such a shitty prediction. I promise never to forget to take off my wet shoes again.
