Just Don't Make Me Cry

My son Broosevelt is a clueless 8-year-old blondini whose hobbies include playing soccer and basketball, reading crap books like Captain Underpants, eating handfuls of Fruit Loops like his svelt father, throwing balls at plants, and getting owned by his twin sister, Boni.

My daughter Boni is a precocious, silky-haired, blue-eyed vixen whose hobbies include swimming fast, drawing in her sketch book while listening to Taylor Swift on the iPad, eating red peppers like most people eat apples, making out with her spoon at the dinner table, and owning her twin brother, Broosevelt.

The other day, Boni brought home some magnets from school. She claims a friend of hers named Mazzie gave them to her, but she has been circumspect regarding how exactly they came into her possession. For context, some of you may remember Boni's Post-it Note stealing spree...

The magnets are black, 1cm thick, donut-shaped, very strong, extremely loud, and super annoying. Kids love them. 

Boni played with them all night and left them on the couch or the kitchen counter or probably the floor cuz she has a tendency to leave her shit everywhere. The next morning before school, Broosevelt spotted the magnets, grabbed them, and took them to school because he has a tendency to make unwise decisions.

Broosevelt reports that he was playing with the magnets at his desk at 9:04am when some little bitch (my words, not his) named Kaaviya (KAH-vee-uh) asked to borrow them. Broosevelt proceeded to make another unwise decision, and said yes. Less than a minute later, Broosevelt saw Kaaviya go to the bathroom and thought to his poor little self, "Please don't break them."

In the bathroom, Kaaviya, she would later report, showed the magnets to Mira. Now, I don’t know this Mira girl but I can tell you with total certainty that she is also a little bitch. Why? Because she has zero dexterity and she dropped the fucking magnets and they broke.

Broosevelt reports that at 9:10am, Kaaviya returned to the classroom and appeared to be hiding something behind her back. Broosevelt asked if Kaaviya had broken the magnets, and Kaaviya said, "Kind of, but it wasn't me."

Kaaviya then handed the broken magnets to Broosevelt who, trembling with fear, thought, "Ohhhh my god. Boni is gonna be so mad at me!"

When school was over, Broosevelt and Boni started walking home, and he showed her the broken magnets.

Boni roared, "You broke them?!? I told you not to bring them to school and you didn't listen and now I'm super mad!" 

Broosevelt told Boni that Mira, not he, had broken the magnets, but his claims of innocence did not pacify her.

Boni: Give me two dollars, and we can forget this terrible incident ever occurred.

Broosevelt: How about $1?

Boni: $2.

Broosevelt: $1.

Boni: $2!

Broosevelt: $1!

And so on and so forth...

After they arrived home and negotiations had stalled, Broosevelt, in his infinite wisdom, made the following suggestion: "How about I give you $1 but you can also slap me in the face?"

Boni agreed.

So Broosevelt went upstairs to his room, grabbed $1 out of his tin lunch-box where he hoards his Jew gold, and came back downstairs.

He handed over the dollar to Boni and said, "Just don’t make me cry."