The End of the Tunnel

If you've ever taken I-70 from Denver to Vail, you've gone through the Eisenhower Tunnel, which goes under the Continental Divide in the Rockies. Local tradition demands that you try to hold your breath for the duration of the tunnel, which is a tough ask given that it's just over 1.5 miles long and has a maximum elevation of 11,158 feet. The tunnel is an engineering marvel, but the weather patterns are fascinating as well: When you enter the tunnel, it can be dark and rainy, but when you come out on the other end, it can be bright and sunny.

I can't tell you how many times I've approached the tunnel with a feeling of hope in a soft, gentle snow, only to exit on a dangerous, precipitous decline in a violent, blinding blizzard.

Face it: There's no goddamn light at the end of the tunnel.

If Trump was the tunnel, Biden was supposed to be the light. As happy as I am about the $2 trillion Build Back Better bill, politics are as ugly as ever, Trump is still lurking, and Biden's skin looks like it's falling off his face.

Social distancing, masks, and vaccines were supposed to end the dark tunnel of COVID, but here we are (again) with cases rising, booster hesitancy, and a lock-down in Austria which has vaccinated 2/3rds of its population while the remaining third continues to wish for Germany to annex it (again).

The outrage in response to the murder of George Floyd brought hope, but the cop who shot Jacob Blake wasn't charged and Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty. In case you've had your head in the sand, you may not know that after Rittenhouse killed two and wounded one, he walked towards the police with his hands in the air in a gesture of surrender while someone yelled, "Hey, dude right here just shot all them down there!" The police made zero attempt to stop Rittenhouse and didn't arrest him until the next day. If an armed black dude had just killed two and wounded one, I have this sneaking suspicion that the cops may have responded just slightly differently.

A Chinese tennis player accused a former government official of sexual assault, but the Chinese government said no entiendo and pushed her back in the dark tunnel of Chinese propaganda. Concern over Afghanistan lasted about two weeks, and the Taliban is now returning the nation to its Glorious Past of Oppression. Supply chain disruptions have made me wait more than 24 hours for an Amazon delivery. 

Overwhelmed by work, the Boss has decided not only to hold her own breath, but also to suffocate everyone around her. She pays thousands of dollars to paint the house a luxurious grey, buys curtains for rooms that don't need curtains, and is getting another post-graduate degree in Expert Nagging.

Panini's puberty tunnel is more like an endless dive into the depths of the Mariana Trench: self-imposed solitary confinement in the basement, crack-like addiction to her phone, utter contempt for her siblings' innocence, shame of her mother's skinny jeans and side part, and disgust for her father “just in general.” The pressures of high school admission, social acceptance, and a flat stomach have officially made the daughter I mostly love into a monster I mostly avoid.

OG isn't far behind. She spent three hours building a ridiculously complex and impressive structure in Contraptions (buy one for your child today) and, after it fell apart, half an hour with her face down in the couch (see below). She is driving up the mountain of curiosity and self-discovery, and about to enter the long, dark tunnel of insecurity and self-loathing.

Broosevelt's front tooth has been dangling in the center of his mouth for weeks. He can't eat carrots or cucumbers, he stuffs pizza in the side of his face, and he cries every night in bed because his tooth "will never fall out!" The saddest part is that he doesn't realize that when it does finally fall out, he'll be missing both his front teeth and will actually look like aforementioned crack addict. (Apologies in advance to all crack addicts; please don't cancel me.)

Boni was born in the dark, lives in the dark, and will forever remain in the dark. Two weeks ago, she committed seven-year-old first-degree murder by secretly taking the iPad up to her room, closing the door, and watching YouTube. Last week, she got sent home with an official Behavior Reflection Sheet for "taking (read: stealing) classroom post-its for drawing/writing notes." A few days ago, she was busted for, once again, drawing on the table with a Sharpie. Yesterday, she plopped down on the couch with a big bag of chips as if "no eating on the couch" wasn't a thing. No rules, no morals, no accountability. Ya gotta love this girl.

Fittingly, I'm fuckin' great. I took the scenic route around the tunnel and am enjoying the picturesque views and wildflowers. Unemployment, it turns out, is dope: more time to read, more time to exercise, and more time to watch Narcos and not feel guilty about it. I wake up after my kids have already left for school, do the dishes from the previous evening, run a few errands or none, eat a giant sandwich of melted turkey and cheese with avocado, fall asleep for a few minutes while reading a YA book, walk through the crisp fall air to pick up my kids at school, spend the afternoon with them, eat my wife’s dinner, watch more Narcos, and ignore the dirty dishes.

Update: Broosevelt's tooth just fell out.