Democracy Made My Kid Cry

Louis Agassiz was a Swiss-born American biologist who made significant contributions to the fields of zoology, geology, and natural history. He also believed in creationism and reportedly felt "revulsion" when he first encountered black Americans. Over time, his legacy has gone from one of respect for his science to contempt for his racism.

In the past 20 years, his name has been deleted from various schools and neighborhoods. Last year, my kids' school changed its name from Louis Agassiz Elementary to Harriet Tubman Elementary. It was a democratic process, one which included administrators, teachers, parents, and even students. 

Last week, Tubman held its student design competition for its 15th Annual Fun-Run. Kids draw pictures, some adults in the building choose the top five, and then the students vote for their favorite.

OG, my talented 10-year-old artist with a heart of gold, an awesome work ethic, and an actual fucking idea, draws this insanely good picture:

Yes, that's Harriet Tubman, and yes, OG did it entirely by herself, and yes, it's meant to simultaneously honor Harriet Tubman and celebrate the school's stupid-ass Fun-Run. Perfect, right?

As soon as she submits, we start getting texts and emails from folks at school and in the community saying how awesome it is, how it perfectly embodies the spirit of the school, and how they really hopes OG wins.

But then, of course, the school lets the students vote. 

Re-phrase: A bunch of grown-ups who know something about slavery and understand the historical significance of Harriet Tubman cede their decision-making power to a few hundred children who know nothing about slavery and less than nothing about Harriet Tubman.

And this is what those little fucks choose:

The smiley faces on top are a joke, the girl on top of the sign in the middle looks like a murderer, and the dog on the bottom in the middle has its face smashed in.

Tubman's mascot is a bulldog, so I understand why Ashley (the artist) drew a bunch of dogs, but her childish cartoon pales in comparison to OG's artistic class. Still, Ashley and her wretched parents appreciated something that OG and I did not: Kids don't want escaped slaves on their t-shirts; they want sweaty puppies.

Here's the worst part: Ashley and OG are both in 5th grade, Ashley and OG are in the same class, and Ashley and OG are good friends. They knew one of their two pictures was gonna win, and they told each other they would be happy for whoever won.

As soon as Ashley's name was announced to the entire school over the PA system, OG was the first to give Ashley a hug. Ashley thought OG's tears falling on her shoulder were tears of joy. OG knew in her heart they were tears of sadness.

When OG got home, she cried a lot more and told me, "I feel sad for losing, but I feel even worse for not feeling happy for Ashley."

I told her, "Listen, baby girl. Your drawing was 1,000 times better than Ashley's, and you're way smarter and prettier than she is. Also, the kids at your school are a bunch of idiots for voting for Ashley's picture. Don't be friends with any of them. And finally, what kind of school puts a decision as important as the Fun-Run t-shirt design in the hands of children? After a years-long process of changing the school name, they had the perfect design right in front of them, and yet they still asked a bunch of piss-stained eight-year-olds to vote. I'm down with the Age of Woke, but at a certain point, we need to draw the line of who should hold decision-making power (adults) and who shouldn't (kids). Tomorrow, we'll go to Tubman and burn the place down, okay sweetie pie?"