Day 319: Panini's Bat Mitzvah Gift

Panini is almost 13 and is having her Bat Mitzvah in Tel Aviv on July 19, 2021.

This post is my gift to her, and I would like to give her the greatest gift a father can give to his daughter: the truth.

Panini, my sweet girl, some say the truth hurts. I say the truth shall set you free...

The truth is that your Hebrew is phenomenal. You go to a Hebrew-language school, you hang out with Hebrew-speaking Israelis all the time, you understand everything everyone says, and you read my WhatsApps for me without a problem. But I’ve heard you actually speak fewer than 100 words in Hebrew since we arrived. You either speak Hebrew when I’m not around or you’ve figured out how to successfully navigate life without talking.

The truth is that you fully committed to your soccer team this year: two practices and one game a week, long car rides to games, and hot, sweaty afternoons and evenings. While you were playing, your friends were often hanging out at the pool, but you rarely complained. Sure, it would have been nice if you’d gotten more playing time here and there, but don’t worry: Every team needs a bench-warmer.

The truth is that you tried hard in school. Despite the fact that nearly all of your classes were in Hebrew, you were often on Zoom, and your elitist private school with elaborate breakfasts, turf fields, and spoiled children was a balagan (mess), you remained patient and diligent. But let’s be honest: You may not have learned a damn thing. You coasted through most of your classes, only did homework for English, and probably got a little dumber this year.

The truth is that you made an outstanding effort to cultivate friendships, both in the neighborhood and at school. All of Saul’s readers remember how difficult 7th grade was socially, but almost none of them had to do 7th grade in a foreign country. Despite the insecurities of puberty, the linguistic and cultural barriers, and the COVID-related starting and stopping, you formed two solid friend groups and built meaningful relationships. Sure, there’s been some drama here and there, but your friends are good people with big hearts. That said, you and I both know that a couple of those bitches gots to go.

The truth is that you’re an amazing big sister. You read your siblings books, you play games with them, and you pin them to the ground when they deserve a beating. But sometimes you take advantage of your power and privilege and slap OG in the face.

The truth is that you’re responsible, loyal, and kind. You pack your bag before you go to sleep, you bake cupcakes for friends’ birthdays, and the other day you got me a carton of glida (ice cream). But man, you do some stupid shit sometimes. You left that glida in your backpack the entire school day, so by the time you gave it to me, everything was soaked with Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

The truth is that you are physically stunning. Many of Saul’s readers are 5’2, pale-skinned, brown-haired basics, and every single one of them wants to be you: 5’7, great butt, gold skin, long legs, wavy blonde hair, soft eyes, and a perfect nose. You’re built like a Greek goddess, and I can’t wait til’ you’re done with puberty and realize how absolutely beautiful you are. But I guess that’ll have to wait because right now you look in the mirror and, instead of seeing Charlize Theron, you see Danny DeVito.

The truth is that you are sensitive, thoughtful, compassionate, vulnerable, and communicative. But you’re also kind of a spaz, and the yelling and crying will not get you anywhere but to the Land of No Boyfriends.

The truth is that I love you. I love you so, so much. I cry when I think about how amazing you are, and I’m so proud of the young lady you’ve become.

Mazal tov on your Bat Mitzvah, Panini. Don’t screw it up.