Day 145: A Holiday Gift from Saul

Fuck Christmas. 

I hate Christmas. Every year I hate that shit. Plastic presents and plastic mistletoe. Ugly sweaters and fat, lecherous Santa. Consumerism Gone Wild. Christmas is gross, and it’s a gift that Christmas is totally irrelevant and avoidable in the Jewish state of Israel.

I thank Israel for this gift and, to pay it forward, I would like to give you, dear reader, a wildly unappreciated gift: me. You’re lucky to be reading this blog. You’re lucky to know me. Be grateful. Be grateful for my bald head, my sweet smile, and my flexible hamstrings. You don’t need to thank me for this gift I’ve given you; just know that you’re welcome.

Israel has also given us the gift of easy Mediterranean living: 70 degree days throughout December, sunsets on the beach, coffee shops and bakeries on every corner, a bi-weekly local fruit and vegetable shuk (market), and consumable hemp products.

As previously mentioned, Panini was given the gift a two-week quarantine by one of her COVID-positive classmates, but her friends turned that frown upside down by bringing her a big box of sugary and salty treats. They left the gift outside our apartment as a surprise and then stood in the parking lot three stories down to tell Panini they love her. To the horror of my children, I thanked them from the window in my immaculate Hebrew, ripped pajama pants, and, I’m pretty sure, a shirt.

Do you all remember Shirli (SHEER-lee), the woman in the apartment below us who doesn’t want my kids to run or jump or make noise or have fun or be children? Well, she got a gift for us too, but it turns out we can’t use it because Shirli is a witch.

The following is 100% true:

1. Shirli lives alone. (Witches live alone.)

2. Shirli wears a mask at all times. (Witches don’t like to be seen.)

3. Shirli has lots of weird ceramic objects around her apartment. (Witches have weird shit in their homes.)

4. Shirli frequently invites my children to her apartment. (Witches frequently lure children to their homes.)

5. One time when two of my children and I went to her apartment, Shirli was wearing one of those thin, silk robes with Chinese characters. It was barely tied and, as a result, my kids and I could clearly see half of one of her breasts. (Witches do weird shit.)

So about a week ago, Shirli aka Shirli the Witch aka Maleficent (from Sleeping Beauty) asks us to stop using the wall heater in one of the kids’ rooms because “it makes a terrible noise and [she] can’t sleep.” We say sorry, the heater has been professionally checked twice, it’s not making any abnormal noises, and our kids are not Arctic ground squirrels, so deal with it. So Maleficent offers to buy us a radiator which we can use for the rest of the year and then give back to her when we leave. Not realizing that this radiator is a spinning wheel with a spindle, we accept the gift.

As we put Broosevelt and Boni to bed that night, we warn them not to touch the radiator because it’s hot. A few minutes later, Broosevelt is in tears because he feels like he won’t be able to not touch it. Maleficent has put a spell on my home and my children, and when Broosevelt dies because he pricks his finger on the god damn spindle, I’m gonna give the entire free world a gift and kill Maleficent.

Someone in Broosevelt’s gene pool gave him some Rain Man gifts. Broosevelt has a laminated sheet of paper with the pictures and names of all of his classmates, their addresses, their parents’ names, and their parents’ phone numbers (all in Hebrew). Turns out Lil’ Rain Man Broosevelt has memorized not only all the kids’ names and spelling, but also their addresses, their parents’ names, and the first three digits of every parent’s phone number. 30 kids plus 30 addresses plus 60 parent names plus 60 phone numbers equals Dustin Hoffman counting toothpicks.

The Boss gave OG a gift after OG managed to lock herself in our bathroom. The Boss did her best Cirque du Soleil contortionist imitation, climbed through a very high, small window (see below), and saved OG’s life.

I would have saved OG myself, but I wanted the Boss to feel proud. All I do is give. I give to my family, I give to my students, and I give to you, my dear readers.

In the meantime, the U.S. gifted Israel a COVID vaccine and Israel gifted us another lockdown. 

Happy Christian New Year!