Day 89: The Fourth World

You are reading Saul’s Famous, which means you are intelligent and sophisticated, and thus aware of the fact that the “third world” is an anachronistic, Cold War term. As, of course, you already know, the “first world” referred to countries allied with the United States and NATO, the “second world” referred to those allied with the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact, and the “third world” referred to those schmucks allied with neither. Though the Cold War is over, these terms remain, particularly “third world,” which basically means developing, underdeveloped, or totally fucked.

Technically, Israel was a first world country, as it was (and still is) closely allied with the United States. Cumulatively, Israel has received the most aid from the U.S. since World War II and about $3 billion a year for the last 40 years. This money has contributed to a powerful military, a modern economy, and a generally high standard of living. Now that things are opening up here, I’ve had a chance to make a few observations, and there’s some serious third world shit going on here. Therefore, this paradox of a nation shall henceforth be referred to as the “fourth world.”

In the fourth world, hot water is endless but cold water is nowhere to be found. Israel, one of the driest countries on earth, is known as a “water giant,” as it desalinates more than half of its drinking water. Furthermore, nearly every building has solar thermal water heaters on its roof, making my showers long and pleasant. But if you want a really cold glass of water, you’ll have to fill up the pitcher, put it in the fridge, and wait a while. Cold water from the pipes is not a thing, and neither is ice.

In the fourth world, people are active and fit, but they don’t believe in moderation. This past Saturday, the Boss’ cousins came over for Shabbat pancakes, syrup, and Prosecco. If I were invited to someone’s house for Shabbat pancakes and syrup, I would (make the Boss) bring juice or fruit, or perhaps flowers. They brought home-made cupcakes and multiple requests were made to add more Prosecco to the mimosas. 

Of note: The Boss’ cousins also brought three beautiful children with beautiful Israel names: Yam (sea), Shai (gift), and Mikey.

In the fourth world, communities unite around children living in denial. This past Friday, a bunch of kids from the neighborhood did a beach clean-up. As they picked up candy wrappers and cigarette butts, the life-guard gave them props over the loud-speaker, and nearly everyone on the beach started applauding. There were lots of Eze chamudim! (What cuties!) and Kol hakavod! (Good job!). What no one seemed to appreciate is that these children were carrying around giant, thick plastic bags, which they barely filled up. They then threw these huge bags in the trash, overwhelming local landfills and adding plastic pollutants to the ocean. 

In the fourth world, people play white collar sports but customer service means nothing. 20 minutes before closing time at a local tennis facility, I went to speak with the lady at the front desk to reserve a court for the following week. The reservations are on a paper calendar cuz it’s the fourth world, and even though that calendar was on the desk in front of her, she said I should call to make a reservation the next day because she was “already closed.” 

In the fourth world, the weather is perfect but it’s always hot. Israelis keep saying that fall has officially arrived because we changed the clocks back an hour, the chatsavim (squill) are blooming, and any day it’s going to rain. It is now November, I continue to use air conditioning in the car, it hasn’t rained a single drop, and today there’s a high of 82, again.

In the fourth world, everyone has a car but no one knows how to use one. The roads here are fantastic and the signage is excellent, but drivers have no idea what they’re doing. Bikers are also clueless and unsafe. Countless times, I’ve seen dads with no helmets and 2-year-olds on their shoulders (also with no helmets) going 25mph on electric bikes. I don’t wish pain or death on that 2-year-old, but how else will dad learn his lesson?

In the fourth world, everyone has an iPhone with an alarm, but no one uses it because the local wildlife wakes them up. I set my alarm every night, yet every morning the birds, the god damn fucking birds, are singing. The abundance of birds is strange because there are so many cats. As you know, cats kill billions of birds a year. Not here apparently. Israeli stray cats are friendly, plump, and well fed. I guess the cats and birds will continue to happily co-exist while I experience extreme sleep deprivation, which technically is form a torture.

Speaking of wildlife, in the fourth world, everyone has advanced technology, but no one has common sense. Residents of our apartment building vigilantly WhatsApp each other about not leaving our windows open at night because mice crawl up the side of the building. This wouldn’t be a problem if any of the windows had screens. On a related note, our building has a security code to get in, but it’s only relevant six days a week because the doors are left wide open on Shabbat so religious folks can avoid using electricity. I’m not sure who’s dumber, the tenants who leave themselves vulnerable once a week or the thieves who don’t realize that the Sabbath is a day to steal, not rest.

In the fourth world, natural beauty abounds, as does litter. It took me six seconds to reverse six years of propaganda to which young Broosevelt had been exposed. We were hiking through and around a stream in the Galilee (a mountainous region in northern Israel), and Broosevelt finished the water in a big plastic bottle. I jokingly told him to throw it into the bushes, and he said, “But Daddy, that’s littering.” To see how gullible he is, I said, “Ahh, don’t worry about it.” So he tossed it. The Boss said, “Broosevelt, what are you doing?? Don’t litter.” He responded, “But people in Israel do it all the time.”

In the fourth world, I discovered my professional passion: catering to every desire of those in the first world. I find great joy in spending over an hour on Zoom with a rich kid and his mom in Manhattan, walking him step by step through his 4,000-word essay so he can take my feedback and filter it through his tutor with whom he will get me in touch so both his tutor and I can continue to work closely with him and his mother to make sure his essay is worth every penny his divorced parents have spent.

In the fourth world, 9-year-old children squeegee the shower floor before and during the shower, and then they squeegee the soap off their own bodies. I have witnesses.

Big day today in the Mecca of the First World. Enjoy the emotional rollercoaster!

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