I know you’re seeing what I’m seeing, that it’s hard to watch, and that it’s easier not to watch. But we need to watch. We need to watch very closely, in fact, because, per a previous bumper sticker of mine, “IF YOU’RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.”
Existential crises demand action. When I couldn’t decide if I wanted a wife and kids, I went to therapy. When the illegitimate, bastard son of King Robert Baratheon usurped the Iron Throne, Rob Stark went to war. When Trump tried to end birthright citizenship, seized the “power of the purse” from Congress, and pardoned the January 6 Boner Boys, the people of America went to the streets.
Well, not really. But after this post is read by thousands, nay millions, of Americans, they will.
It’s time to RESIST.
Saul has identified seven things every one of us can, should, and must do in order to save our country.
About 200 people read Saul so if everyone does these seven things, that’s 1,400 acts of resistance. If each of you then shared this post with 10 friends and each of them engaged in all seven acts of resistance, that’s 14,000 acts of resistance. I know you were “told there’d be no math” (Saturday Night Live) but resistance is only meaningful if a lot of people to do it so please shut the fuck up, do what I say, and let’s save this sinking ship.
1. BOYCOTT AMAZON. How far up Bezos’ ass is Trump’s dick? That’s a serious question. Rape, as you know, is about power, not sex, so it’s not illogical to assume that Donald Trump has raped Jeff Bezos. To avoid continued sexual assault, Bezos (as you may have forgotten due to the shitstorm of the last few months) prohibited the Washington Post from endorsing Kamala Harris. His bottom line is money, pure and simple, so let’s give him less of it. Perhaps if we fuck with his finances, he’ll finally stand up to the man who fucks him in the ass.
I know, I know: It feels impossible not to buy shit from Amazon. We at the Chicago McMansion (used to) receive multiple Amazon packages every week, and those “women’s butterluxe high waisted yoga workout running volleyball spandex booty biker shorts,” as well as that “eight-piece water bottle lid replacement stopper compatible with owala freesip 24oz 32oz,” are so easy to get with one or two clicks. But do you remember a time when Amazon wasn’t around and we bought things in stores? Do you remember a time when we waited a week to get the things we wanted? Do you remember a time when we bought fewer things? I also don’t remember that time but I’m confident it once existed and that we can revive it so that rich, white, powerful corporate moguls can be raped less.
2. EMAIL SOMEONE IMPORTANT. “Hi sweetheart, are you in town this weekend?” “Hi baby, you haven’t forgotten me, have you?” “Hey sexy, do you want to see my beautiful tits?” At a certain point, I can’t “Delete and Report Junk” every message, so I just start responding: “Yeah, I’ll be around this weekend.” “Of course I haven’t forgotten you.” “Sure, send pic.” My point is that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. El que no llora no mama. In the words of the great John Bender, “Sweets, you couldn’t ignore me if you tried” (Breakfast Club).
So email your senator. Email your congressperson. Email your governor, your mayor, your alderman/woman/they. Email somebody. Anybody. Swarm the fucking system with outrage and demand they do something or else their time in office is over and done with.
Here’s a template you can use:
Dear [sir/madam/they],
Due to President Trump’s repeated violation of the Constitution, I demand that you do everything in your power to stop him, including, but not limited to, lawsuits, filibusters, and self-immolation. If you don’t, I will find someone who will and, when you are up for reelection, I will vote for that person, not you.
P.S. Attached is a pic of my beautiful tits.
3. ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS. So I have, like, one group of friends: a bunch of privileged tennis-playing douchebags who enjoy serving-and-volleying, drinking beer, and pretending they’re brave enough to kill themselves. They hate me. They used to not like me but now they really hate me because I bug the shit out of them about what Trump is doing, make them feel guilty about their indifference, and act like a condescending asshole every chance I get. I don’t care. I really don’t. Our group chat is the only one that matters, yet I’ve done an amazing job of pissing off everyone on there. I know they’ve all hovered over “Remove Saul” but I don’t care if our friendship ends because “deep down in places [they] don’t talk about at parties” (A Few Good Men), I know that my pestering has struck a chord, that their indifference is now concern, that that concern will soon be outrage, and that that outrage will soon be active resistance.
If you and your friends aren’t talking about it, make them talk about it. I know it’s easier to avoid the news, avoid the tough conversations, and avoid the pain of confronting all the awful shit that’s going down, but now is not a time to “bury your head in the sand and wait for your fucking prom” (Breakfast Club). Trump has ruined prom and impregnated the prom queen. Roe v Wade has been overturned which means a wretched little baby is about to be born. Mix your metaphors, pretend that baby is your friend, and shake it.
4. DISOBEY. My students test well (robots), work hard (nerds), and prioritize school (virgins). They are also total and complete sheep, and will do anything anyone with power tells them to do. Read 90 pages in two nights? Ok. Write an entire essay in 30 minutes? No problem. Sell me some high-quality weed for half-price? Bet. One time, just one time, I wish they would disobey me: refuse to do their homework; refuse to write that paper; refuse to give me a discount on that dank-ass flower.
If you’re financially stable and have been told to report five things you did at work last week, don’t do it. If you’re financially stable and have been told not to say the word “racism” at work, say it. If you’re financially stable and have been told it’s illegal to get an abortion in your state, get one. Protest. Break a law. Puncture a Tesla’s tires. Assassinate someone. Do something. Anything. If we just hop on the trains like they’re telling us to, next thing you know we’ll be at the gates of Auschwitz, convincing ourselves that “work will make [us] free.” Fuck that. These guys are condemning anti-Semitism while simultaneously/paradoxically/ingeniously giving 100% real Nazi salutes fuck you Steve Bannon. Just say no. Do not consent. Resist.
5. WRITE A CHECK. Broosevelt and Boni just turned 11 and they both got a check in the mail from their we Todd did uncle that said, “Happy 12th birthday!” Math aside, do people still write checks? Objection relevance. Sustained. Venmo. Zelle. Wire transfer. Doesn’t matter. Throw money at the problem.
This country runs on money. Money controls politics. Campaign finance reform failed. Corporations are people. Bla bla bla. So write a fucking check. I don’t care who you give it to: Moveon.org, the New York Times, your local school council. Someone. Anyone. Whether it goes to direct political action, the education of our youth, or a hired gun, your money can make change.
I know who you are, Reader of Saul. Hedge-fund Jew on the North Shore with a Porsche SUV. High-priced WASP lawyer in the Gold Coast with a convertible BMW. Lady of leisure in Florida with a self-driving golf cart and a glass of Chardonnay. The richest Venezuelan in the world. The guy with a second home in Aspen. The trustafarian who doesn’t pay for his own Netflix. You have money is my point. So stop stockpiling it like it’s an arsenal of nukes. Spend it. Give it to someone who can actually build a stockpile of nukes in case shit gets real real.
6. READ EVERYTHING. I move my bowels at approximately 9:40am every morning, which means that every morning at approximately 9:40am I read the news and text my “friends” something brilliant. I want to ignore the news. I really do. The last thing I want is to see another headline about DOGE, the Department of Education, or the 1984-esque purges in the FBI. It’s painful. It’s maddening. It negatively affects my bowel movement. But I need to stay informed and we all need to stay informed because ignorance is bliss only until they come for you and “there [is] no one left to speak out” (Pastor Martin Niemöller).
7. KEEP HOPE ALIVE. No one holds a grudge like my dear old mom. When Jesse Jackson referred to New York City as “Hymie-town” in 1984, my mom was outraged. 41 years later, she has not forgiven Mr. Jackson. When Randy Eisenberg slept over at my house in 6th grade, he told my mom to shut up. 37 years later, there is still a fatwa against Mr. Eisenberg. I don’t know if Mr. Eisenberg did good things for the world but Mr. Jackson did at least one: He reminded his brothers and sisters, over and over again, to “keep hope alive!”
You’ve heard me say what I’m about to say but I’m gonna say it again: We are better now than we were 50 years ago, we were better 50 years ago than we were 100 years ago, and so on and so forth. Slavery ended, the Civil War came and went, and weed is legal. Don’t get me wrong: This is a dark, dark moment we are living through but I, for one, am fully confident that with a lot of money, a lot of DMs, and a lot of hope, we can make America pretty good again.
