If Jeffrey Epstein is a 10, and a faithful, devoted husband who engages in bi-weekly fantasies about his 6th grade schoolmarm is a 1, Louis CK is a 3. Did he abuse his power? Absolutely. Did he hurt people? Definitely. But he is not, as some claim, a "sexual predator." He's a chubby, unattractive 54-year-old who, 20 years ago, was such a worthless sack that all he could do was pleasure himself from across the room.
He is also a comedic genius, and I will be stealing his "Of course, but maybe..." bit for this post. If you haven't seen it, I really, strongly, adamantly encourage you to watch this clip:
Of Course, But Maybe - Louis CK
Of course Louis CK should be criticized for his behavior and receive professional and financial consequences for his actions. He took advantage of innocent women and should suffer for having done so. Of course.
But maybe......it's grossly unfair to lump him in with the Epsteins of the world and most people deserve a second chance and it's been 20 years, so let's forgive but not forget and share a fucking laugh.
Of course COVID is real and we need to mask up, social distance, and quarantine when we test positive. Omicron is contagious af, and now's not the time to let down our guards. Of course.
But maybe......it's been two years of this bullshit and pandemic fatigue is real and it's time for a little survival of the fittest.
Of course Chicago Public School teachers have every right to stay home. Of course they do. They have immunocompromised elderly parents and unvaccinated young children, and they need to protect themselves and their families by teaching remotely.
But maybe......kids desperately need to be at school and teachers are front-line workers so they (just like doctors, nurses, factory workers, grocery clerks, etc.) need to stop complaining and do their god damn civic duty.
Of course students should be able to use their phones in class. Of course. They need to be able to communicate with their parents and, in case of an emergency, must always be available. Their phones keep them safe, and they must have access to them at all times.
But maybe......kids can put down their digital vice and be present for like two seconds and if their dog dies at 10:00, their parents can call the school secretary on a landline like we did back in 1980, and the secretary can walk her tired old bones up to the third floor, and the kid can find out about the dead dog at 10:05.
Of course students should be able to go to the bathroom any time they need to. Using the lavatory is a physical issue, perhaps even a medical one, and children have no control over when nature calls. In fact, they shouldn't even need to ask permission. They should simply be able to walk out of the classroom at any time to pee, poop, or deal with any other bodily need.
But maybe......we should bring back the giant wooden bathroom pass and kids should shit in the morning before they come to school and you got five minutes to use it, hurry up.
Of course students with special circumstances should be exempted from homework. One of my students says she has a mother with a brain tumor and a brother with a neurological disorder, and that she doesn't “have the privilege of being able to do homework.” Of course this student shouldn't have to do any work outside of school hours. Of course.
But maybe......this kid, like every kid, needs to figure out how to deal with life's adversities and yes, sorry, you still have to take the pop quiz.
Of course students' mental health is the top priority. Of course. No student should be forced to complete an assignment if they're not in the right head-space, and of course students should have as much time as they need to finish their work. Sure, it was only a four-sentence paragraph and you had almost 20 minutes to work on it in class, but if you're genuinely struggling to stay focused and be productive, then of course you should receive an extension and submit your work when you're ready. Of course.
But maybe......you had 17 days of vacation to finish up that paragraph and anything you could possibly say to me right now will only make your situation worse, so just sit back down and please shut the fuck up.
Of course gender-appropriate nouns and pronouns should be used at all times. When I address a group of students, I shouldn't say, "Hey guys!" because one of those students uses he/him pronouns but one uses she/her pronouns and one uses they/them pronouns, and "guys" in this context is gender-specific and, therefore, inaccurate. So of course I should address these students with "Hey everybody" (even though there are only three of them) or "Hey y'all" (even though I'm not from Alabama) or "Hey scholars" (even though that'd be totally stupid and awkward as fuck).
But maybe......"guys" just mean "dudes" and "dudes" can be any gender and, yes, I know "guys" technically means "boys" but "them" is also technically plural, so maybe we can all just relax a tiny bit?
Of course my female students should be able to wear whatever they want. Of course. Their bodies should not be policed, least of all by an adult, heterosexual male, and they should feel absolutely comfortable wearing whatever suits them. Body-shaming is real, and girls should love their bodies, not hide them.
But maybe......just maybe......if you feel as uncomfortable as you look, you should put on a god damn sweater.
